Golden Retriever Boyfriend? That’s Cute. I Have a +1 Cha Nilbog Boyfriend.

The elusive “golden retriever boyfriend:” supportive, loyal, easygoing, like a dog. Wowww, really cool. (Not.)

My boyfriend, on the other (webbed) hand, is a Nilbog (basically a reverse goblin) with a +1 Charisma which means he can hold a conversation. He’s not just like a Nilbog. He is one.

And here’s why my bf > yours.

We Never Fight

When I’m about to get mad at my boyfriend for not doing the dishes, he possesses me with “nilbogism” which makes me praise him instead. Can your golden retriever bf do that? No, he probably listens to you. Beta, much?

He Makes Me Laugh

Nilbogs are natural tricksters, so my bf is always pulling pranks on me! Like one time, he dressed up in a silly jester outfit and danced around to distract me as he stealthily stole 20 dollars out of my wallet so he could get some IPAs from the liquor store. He’s literally unhinged!

He’s Super Healthy

Because of a little thing called “reversal of fate,” any blows he takes makes him healthier. Which is why he’s constantly drinking beer, eating fried worms and exhibiting the most unhealthy behavior. He also loves to munch on the dirty side of a rock. It’s actually really good for him!

And if you try to give him water or vegetables, it could kill him (since any attempt to heal a nilbog turns into an attack). Your golden retriever bf probably doesn’t make you pick the lettuce out of his burrito bowl, what a frickin’ poser.

He Never Dies

Since he’s inhabited by a nilbog spirit, if he dies, then that spirit will find another host. Looks like I’m stuck with this guy forever! Hahaha…