Sexual Predator Presents Birthday Cards as Only Evidence of Good Character

In November of 2017, Company & Co. CEO, Herald Humson, resigned amidst sexual misconduct allegations.

Now, two years later, Humson is back with a lawsuit against the company. The complaint claims he was forced to resign under “unfair circumstances.” He is seeking damages for “humiliation and destruction of my professional reputation, including death threats.” He elaborated, “Someone tweeted “wow man, disappointed :(” at me.”

The complaint included all the evidence Humson could compile to show “a glowing record of his true character.” Including this hastily-made birthday card from a couple months before he resigned:

“Sexual assault, shmexual asshmault. They’re just allegations. My employees love me! Especially my female employees – just look at this birthday card!”

Most employees only signed their name, not even leaving a message on the birthday card. One didn’t even sign their name.

The most complimentary message was from an employee in the IT department, who wrote “Happy Birthday, dude! You rock!” When we interviewed this employee, she said, “Oh I thought that card was for Herald the accountant. If I knew it was for that piece of [redacted] I wouldn’t have even signed it.”

The complaint exclusively showed birthday-related notes: birthday messages from different vendors of the company, and a screenshot of an email from Starbucks. Humson says this proves he “was beloved by all industries.”

And a birthday coupon from Burger King, which Humson claims, “came consistently year after year. Those guys get me.”

Burger King had no comment.

The complaint also included “personal messages that seemed far too intimate for the workplace.” Humson called this one in particular, “clear evidence she was coming on to me.” (Shield your eyes, NSFW):

Humson: “I’m very confused. If I was as evil of a person as they say, then why did they also send me messages of gratitude like this?”

It’s surprising that after almost a half a century employment at the company, Humson only had a couple of birthday cards to present as proof that his employees liked him.

Humson also claimed to have hired the first woman analyst the company has ever had, “ending the boy’s club culture that has reigned over this company for decades.” Humson had been CEO for 46 years. This analyst was the one who reported Humson for sexual assault.

(note: this is fake)