11 Ways to Dress for the Male Gaze That Will Elude Your Boyfriend’s Gaze
The male gaze dictates how women dress, act, and groom ourselves. And it follows women everywhere. Even when we’re alone, we feel the need to look appealing for the imaginary straight guy who’s directing the movie that is our lives.
The best thing about the male gaze is that it notices every little detail about our appearance, unlike any male you’ve ever met. (Has any cis straight male ever actually noticed your haircut? Be honest!)
So here are some helpful ways to serve the male (but not your boyfriend’s) gaze!
1. SPORT SOME TOUSLED BRAIDS
Perfect your just-messy-enough braids for your boyfriend who will call them “pigtails” because he doesn’t know the difference.
2. WEAR “NATURAL” MAKEUP
A hint of blush and a bit of mascara and a taste of brow liner and a layer of concealer and a natural-color lipstick and some light eyeshadow and just a eensy weensy bit of highlighter will help you achieve the perfect “no makeup” look, just for your boyfriend to tell you in earnest that “I’m so glad you don’t wear makeup, unlike those other girls.”
3. SAY BYE BYE TO CELLULITE!
Dry brush your ass every night to get rid of cellulite, which is a word your boyfriend has never heard of, along with the words “saddlebags,” “hip dips” and “glycolic acid.”
4. CLIP YOUR CLAWS
Keep your fingernails on point with a weekly manicure. We guarantee your boyfriend will notice right after you tell him.
5. BE AN EXTRA HOT MESS
When you have one of your hot girl ~emotional breakdowns~, ditch the pants and throw on a cute cardigan that will fall off your shoulders in a sensual way so when your boyfriend comes over to comfort you - oh he’s busy playing Elden Ring? That’s understandable, he finally beat Margit the Fell Omen so he’s on a roll.
6. EAT A BANANA
When you eat a banana, make sure you do so sensually, just in case your boyfriend (who hasn’t eaten a fruit in two years) is looking (he’s not).
7. DON’T BE FAT
Women over 120 pounds don’t register to the male gaze. So keep that weight down! Even though your boyfriend, whose takeout addiction is the primary cause of your recent weight gain, asked just yesterday if you’ve lost weight.
(Note: If you’re not going to lose weight, at the very least have it on your mind at all times. Be reasonable.)
8. WEAR A CORSET
Try a corset to get that ~snatched~ waist and lift your boobs all the way up to your chin to turn on the guy whose only comment about your new medieval-inspired top is how difficult it is to unclasp all these clasps on the back and why are you making his life so hard.
9. WEAR YOUR BF’S CLOTHES
Throw on your boyfriend’s button down shirt. He’ll think it’s so cute especially because you’ll look so small (like a child, which is what men like) in his gigantic shirt. Women on TV do it all the time, and if they can find a way to not let their boobs bust out of a shirt that was made for a cis man, so can you!
10. FRAME THAT FACE
Rockin’ a ponytail? Make sure you take out a couple of little hairs in the front to frame your face. If you don’t have your little hairs out, then you’ll look like you have small hair from straight-on. Women shouldn’t have small hair. How will your boyfriend remember that you’re a woman and not a 12-year-old boy? He forgets things!
11. BONUS TIP: CURTAINS ARE CURT-OUT!
Never close your curtains. In movies written by men, women don’t use their curtains, and they also have no idea there’s a guy in their front yard looking in at them. (Women aren’t hyper-aware of their surroundings. And if you are, then you’re not being a woman correctly.)
